Tuesday, 22 September 2009
Eyes Closing
I can't speak to you. My phone has been cut off.
I accomplished most of the things on the list today bar a few....was in danger of completely ignoring the first on the list, which would certainly not have been a good start, but managed to redeem myself at the last minute. Lists are good. Lists keep me on the straight and narrow, stop me from falling into a never ending detour.
I saw my dad today. Sometimes I wish my feet were as firmly planted on the ground as his, and I would be able to remain satisfied. He always reminds me that in fact I have a very nice life; I keep my head above the poverty line, I earn money doing something fun, I have friends and live meters away from the canal and a lovely park on either side of my house amongst other things.
My body feels spent and tired, but in a friendly and familiar way. I made it again to yoga this week and I shall slowly add on more physical activity week by week until I once again have a structure built around training my body. Training it until I can slowly haul myself out of this concrete hole. My mind feels quiet, which is maybe why its taking me so long to write this right now. In fact, I should probably be nowhere near a computer so soon after having my body and brain cleansed for an hour and a half this evening.
My eyes are closing now and its time for me to crawl into my bed. Back to the comfort zone. Although I suspect this will be slightly less so as I won't be sharing my sleep with you tonight.
I accomplished most of the things on the list today bar a few....was in danger of completely ignoring the first on the list, which would certainly not have been a good start, but managed to redeem myself at the last minute. Lists are good. Lists keep me on the straight and narrow, stop me from falling into a never ending detour.
I saw my dad today. Sometimes I wish my feet were as firmly planted on the ground as his, and I would be able to remain satisfied. He always reminds me that in fact I have a very nice life; I keep my head above the poverty line, I earn money doing something fun, I have friends and live meters away from the canal and a lovely park on either side of my house amongst other things.
My body feels spent and tired, but in a friendly and familiar way. I made it again to yoga this week and I shall slowly add on more physical activity week by week until I once again have a structure built around training my body. Training it until I can slowly haul myself out of this concrete hole. My mind feels quiet, which is maybe why its taking me so long to write this right now. In fact, I should probably be nowhere near a computer so soon after having my body and brain cleansed for an hour and a half this evening.
My eyes are closing now and its time for me to crawl into my bed. Back to the comfort zone. Although I suspect this will be slightly less so as I won't be sharing my sleep with you tonight.
Dear G
1) i pressed snooze, i slept on, i dozed, i didn't want to leave your bed.
2)i did not make any booking concerning my dental health.
3)i wrote a list, but thought it too big so did none of it.
4)i ate breakfast.
5)i attempted to hide the hole by looking at other holes. i felt bad and immediatly started cleaning the kitchen.
6)i lay on your bed after showering.
7)i walked and thought and wandered down some memory streets. I sat in a park I had never been to before.
8)I released the pressure in my pipes and stopped the irritating banging noise they make when the toilet is flushed. I planned a new arrangement for my den and felt happy for the future.
9)I tend not to watch TV outside of your concrete hole.
10)I listened to something I haven't listened to for a long while - that's as good as I got:
Sonic Youth - Dude Ranch Nurse
You be cowboy and I'll allow
Let me ride you 'til you fall
Let's pretend there's nothing at all
Nobody knows the shape I'm in
Kiss me now it's just a sin
Nobody knows the shape I'm in
1) i pressed snooze, i slept on, i dozed, i didn't want to leave your bed.
2)i did not make any booking concerning my dental health.
3)i wrote a list, but thought it too big so did none of it.
4)i ate breakfast.
5)i attempted to hide the hole by looking at other holes. i felt bad and immediatly started cleaning the kitchen.
6)i lay on your bed after showering.
7)i walked and thought and wandered down some memory streets. I sat in a park I had never been to before.
8)I released the pressure in my pipes and stopped the irritating banging noise they make when the toilet is flushed. I planned a new arrangement for my den and felt happy for the future.
9)I tend not to watch TV outside of your concrete hole.
10)I listened to something I haven't listened to for a long while - that's as good as I got:
Sonic Youth - Dude Ranch Nurse
You be cowboy and I'll allow
Let me ride you 'til you fall
Let's pretend there's nothing at all
Nobody knows the shape I'm in
Kiss me now it's just a sin
Nobody knows the shape I'm in
Monday, 21 September 2009
list of ten
1. Get up when the alarm bell sounds. Immediately. Do not press snooze. Do not turn off.
2. Book a dentist appointment; many physical pleasures are oral eg drinking, smoking, eating, kissing, sucking, licking and talking; therefore a healthy mouth is tantamount.
3. Write list of everything to do for the day, preferably at the beginning of each day. Be realistic and do them all.
4. Eat breakfast. You can't get out of a hole with a hole in your tum.
5. Don't watch porn. Don't masturbate. Excessive masturbation is a form of self harm and is your brain's way of helping you to hide the hole.
6. Wash soon after getting out of bed. Cleansed body means fresh start. Do not even think of going anywhere near bed once finished.
7. Leave the house. See the world and feel wind on your face- even if its just for 5 minutes to get some milk from the cornershop.
8. Turn up the pressure. Be critical. Be cruel. listen to your inner Brian.
9. Do not watch TV at home past 10am. Once you've got on to Cash in The Attic, consider yourself a gonner for the rest of the day.
10. Listen to one new piece of music everyday.
2. Book a dentist appointment; many physical pleasures are oral eg drinking, smoking, eating, kissing, sucking, licking and talking; therefore a healthy mouth is tantamount.
3. Write list of everything to do for the day, preferably at the beginning of each day. Be realistic and do them all.
4. Eat breakfast. You can't get out of a hole with a hole in your tum.
5. Don't watch porn. Don't masturbate. Excessive masturbation is a form of self harm and is your brain's way of helping you to hide the hole.
6. Wash soon after getting out of bed. Cleansed body means fresh start. Do not even think of going anywhere near bed once finished.
7. Leave the house. See the world and feel wind on your face- even if its just for 5 minutes to get some milk from the cornershop.
8. Turn up the pressure. Be critical. Be cruel. listen to your inner Brian.
9. Do not watch TV at home past 10am. Once you've got on to Cash in The Attic, consider yourself a gonner for the rest of the day.
10. Listen to one new piece of music everyday.
lost and found
I left my soul in your hole. I went there looking for entertainment of some sort and have left, giving more than I thought i ever would.
I know this hole, I have been here before and always wanted to escape. It is a hole of comfort and eternal denial. The denial creates the comfort, the comfort hides the denial. It is a place where souls can lose their will, where responsibility gives up the ghost and the slot in the brain called ambition can become incurably barren.
I also know the way out, but I have only ever climbed out myself, for I have only ever been there alone. Now I have a partner, a willing participant - do I have the strength to pull us both out?
The journey out is hard but the reward is great.
Please do not think that I am remorseful for our location - I enjoy the pleasures to much, I just know that for every hole, there is a hill and that for every pit that appears bottomless there is a mountain that appears endlessly high. And it's wise to experience both.
So let's start this journey together, gather the necessary tools for our trip; we'll need plans, an itinerary, a daily timetable, books, a deadline and a project. We'll need a structure and a belief that we can get out together. When we get there, we can make a new hole.
for now, let's eat meatballs.
I know this hole, I have been here before and always wanted to escape. It is a hole of comfort and eternal denial. The denial creates the comfort, the comfort hides the denial. It is a place where souls can lose their will, where responsibility gives up the ghost and the slot in the brain called ambition can become incurably barren.
I also know the way out, but I have only ever climbed out myself, for I have only ever been there alone. Now I have a partner, a willing participant - do I have the strength to pull us both out?
The journey out is hard but the reward is great.
Please do not think that I am remorseful for our location - I enjoy the pleasures to much, I just know that for every hole, there is a hill and that for every pit that appears bottomless there is a mountain that appears endlessly high. And it's wise to experience both.
So let's start this journey together, gather the necessary tools for our trip; we'll need plans, an itinerary, a daily timetable, books, a deadline and a project. We'll need a structure and a belief that we can get out together. When we get there, we can make a new hole.
for now, let's eat meatballs.
To J: Monday Funday
Today I was meant to do a lot. I woke up in your arms and have stayed in your arms or somehow intwined around you for approximately 8 hours. I justify this by the fact that I 'worked' on Saturday and Sunday, therefore I am allowed to be bed bound. My head feels foggy from malnourishment and having my brains (literally) fucked out. Even though my fridge is about 15 paces away at the very maximum, I can't quite bring myself to leave my warm nest of bed.
I can hear kids playing outside at the local school. Every time I awake to hear this sound my heart sinks as I know that I have managed to sleep past my alarm. I read recently in a Q&A about wht the best piece of advice someone had been given was, and it said ' always get up before midday, otherwise game over...'I couldn't agree more, but still can't bark myself into doing it. I think I have persistent authority problems with my own will.
I'm going to get up soon. The sun has already started going down. And my housemates are going to come back from work. I will not tell them very much about my day, but will conveniently omit items such as I have not left the walls of our flat, have not spoken to or seen another person apart from you and have not felt actual daylight on my skin.
I'm so hungry my stomach is starting to eat itself. The only thing I have eaten today is your body. I want more. I could probably eat more of you, but I think I need something else too. Like the Ikea meatballs sitting in the fridge, which I've been thinking about all day. And tomato sauce. And mashed potatoes. mmmmmm.
I can hear kids playing outside at the local school. Every time I awake to hear this sound my heart sinks as I know that I have managed to sleep past my alarm. I read recently in a Q&A about wht the best piece of advice someone had been given was, and it said ' always get up before midday, otherwise game over...'I couldn't agree more, but still can't bark myself into doing it. I think I have persistent authority problems with my own will.
I'm going to get up soon. The sun has already started going down. And my housemates are going to come back from work. I will not tell them very much about my day, but will conveniently omit items such as I have not left the walls of our flat, have not spoken to or seen another person apart from you and have not felt actual daylight on my skin.
I'm so hungry my stomach is starting to eat itself. The only thing I have eaten today is your body. I want more. I could probably eat more of you, but I think I need something else too. Like the Ikea meatballs sitting in the fridge, which I've been thinking about all day. And tomato sauce. And mashed potatoes. mmmmmm.
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