Lying in the Hole

Dear J: I spent most of yesterday, very unfortunately, in the hole. I blamed this on a wide myriad of things; the man who was supposed to fix my bike on time but didn't, resulting in several journeys to his shop (which I took a slightly sick pleasure in doing each time). You, for not picking my bike up for me. The silly people who I was trying to contact relating to work. My computer for taking so much time to install an update (which I had chosen for it to do). An acquaintance for calling me at various points in the day and distracting me; it appears that he was a hole of his own.

Another day of not feeling particularly present. My refusal of responsibilty for my hole only made me sink deeper.
I am going to attempt to brush aside the remenants of irritation at this, as the end of last week in fact was surprsingly productive.
I managed finally to shoot with my friend, and although my months of sloth have left me with a somewhat rusty body, we still managed to produce some fruitful results. I think it was more about making that first step towards something bigger that seemed important that day, not the immediate offspring of those few hours of making and doing. I felt at points frustrated with the limitations of my own body and I think my collaborator experienced similar feelings of anger towards his camera too. With the light running out and both of us feeling fatigued, we started making mistakes, and thus agreed that we had done enough for the day. I'm looking forward to seeing some of the results and where this might be taken next. The next hardest thing though apart from bullying, threatening, bribing and scaring oneself into starting something is to then maintain the momentum for it to continue and grow.
Tomorrow is mine. I have set aside the day to train, to read and to take responsibility for my hole. I like to imagine myself gingerly finding my way up the side of the hole; foot, hand, foot, foot, hand, foot. Not hauling myself up as I suspect that I might be more susceptible to fall with a heavy thud.